Behind the Doors
by crimsonkira
Summary: Have you ever wondered what really happens in the Akatsuki base? Many things, I tell you. But you'll be surprised... or will you? Crackfic.


**Behind the Doors**

Akatsuki is actually more bizarre than you think.

It's only outside of their hideout that they act all mighty, strong and menacing. But do you actually know what happens inside? No, of course not. But here's a little sneak peak…

"Ow! Tobi, you idiot!"

"Tobi is sorry, sempai!"

*cough* Let's just go in and spy on them…

**Dinnertime**

"Dinner's ready," Konan monotonously stated from the kitchen that was built in the Akatsuki base. Everyone groaned, and since most of them were tired and annoyed, they were about to tell Konan that her cooking _sucked as hell_ before Hidan had already done it.

"Konan, your cooking sucks as hell!" Hidan exclaimed.

Konan stared at him annoyed. "Well if you're immortal, I'm sure you can survive genius!"

"Leader-samaaaaa," Deidara whined. "Someone else other than Konan should cook; everyone knows she is bad at stuff like this."

Pein sent an annoyed look at Deidara and was about to say something when all of a sudden he was knocked of his throne…thingy by this orange blur that we can only assume as Tobi.

"Tobi wants to play!" Tobi exclaimed as he danced around the table. "Let's play tag! Tag! You're it sempai!" He pushed Deidara over which in turn made Deidara push _him _over and sooner or later everyone was pushing each other and the food that Konan made for them was left cold on the table.

Konan sat in her little emo corner and cried because no-one would eat her food.

Zetsu was tending to the garden in his bedroom and arguing with himself about which flower was better – a daisy or a sunflower. Freakily, two seconds later both sides of him were agreeing on how stupid Akatsuki really was.

"Enough, people," Itachi ordered. Everyone stopped what they were doing. Then they tried to suppress their laughs as they watched Tobi creep up from behind Itachi and cut his long, black, shiny hair.

Itachi, who realized it a second too late, cried. "MY HAIR! TOBIIIIIIIII!" [Wow, that's like a 'Tobi' version of the 'Alvin' scream. You know, from Alvin and the Chipmunks]

Everyone burst out laughing. "You *gasp* look like *gasp* a total *gasp* FREAK ITACHI!" Kisame managed to say, before he burst into laughter again. Then everyone felt the temperature in the room go down by a million degrees only to realize that Itachi was giving them all a basilisk glare. Then, suddenly Sasori made a fire in the room to warm it up again.

Poor Itachi joined Konan in the emo corner to cry about his hair and the failure of his Uchiha glare. Konan laughed at him, although Itachi laughed at her cooking skills and in turn making her cry again.

They totally ignored the chaos that was happening only a few metres away, where Sasori accidentally made the fire bigger and now, everyone was panicking and screaming "Fire!" before Kisame, who remained quite calm since he always thought that he was superior to fire [a.k.a. Itachi], threw water on it, subduing it and eventually getting rid of it.

**After dinner… well it's not like they had dinner but WATEVA!**

Everyone sat on the burnt couch and rested their full stomachs [they went to the nearest village and threatened some civilians to give them their food]. Deidara played with his hair, Zetsu was chewing on a [burnt] pillow, Sasori was comparing himself to trees, Kisame was listening to 'Bob the Builder' theme song, Itachi was sulking, Kakuzu was playing with his voodoo dolls and… I don't think you need to know more. 

It was a rare time of peace when suddenly…

BURP!

"Who was that?" Everyone asked. Well, almost everyone anyway.

"Me," Hidan said boredly.

"Wowie!" Tobi squealed.

"I can do so much better," scoffed Deidara. He then burped.

"That's retarded; hear mine," Kisame burped too.

And then that's what started the burping contest between everyone except Konan, Itachi, Zetsu and Kakuzu.

Konan then had enough. "STOP IT!" she screamed. They continued on, as if they didn't hear her, which they probably didn't. "I think my voice will remain unheard for the rest of my life," she mumbled.

"Not if you use this," said Kakuzu, giving her a megaphone that he had found near his voodoo dolls of random people that he saw in the street.

"Thanks." Konan turned the megaphone on and held it in front of her mouth. "ATTENTION! ATTENTION PEOPLE!" She screamed it into the megaphone, making her voice extremely loud and ear piercing. Everyone blocked their ears and not long after that…

"HOLY CRAP, WOMAN! DO YOU NOT FLIPPIN' SEE THAT YOU CAN BUST OUR FLIPPIN' EAR DRUMS IF YOU CONTINUE TO USE THAT!" Hidan screamed.

"YEAH I DO, STUPID!" Konan replied. "THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!"

"DO YOU WANT US TO BE DEAF?" Hidan retorted.

"YEAH MAYBE!" Konan screeched.

Sasori groaned. "WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP? THE LAST THING WE NEED IS A HEADACHE! TOBI GIVES US ONE EVERYDAY AND WE DON'T NEED YOU TO ADD TO IT!"

"DON'T INTERFERE!" Konan and Hidan screamed in unison.

And sooner or later… everyone was screaming at everyone except Zetsu, who was now starting to eat the [burnt] couch, and Tobi, who was just sitting on said couch and watching everyone argue like it was a television program or something. Since he couldn't sit still, he started jumping on the couch like a maniac screaming, "I LOVE ICE CREAM!" and when Itachi noticed this, he told everyone else and soon the whole Akatsuki, including Zetsu, Kakuzu, Sasori and Itachi, was jumping on something screaming that they loved ice cream.

At that moment, Naruto and his team bust into the hideout, only to be met with a shocking scene.

"…"

"…"

Sai fake smiled, Sakura fainted and Naruto joined in the jumping-on-something-and-screaming-I-love-ice-cream event. Kakashi and Yamato just stared mouth open wide, but quickly closed it when they noticed a fly buzzing around the room.

So now, my friends, you can see what happens in the Akatsuki base almost every day. You should also know that Deidara uses a shampoo for kunoichi, blow dries his hair and straightens it right after he steps out of the shower. Kisame keeps pet fish to help train himself in self-control. Sasori has a picture of Pinocchio that he glares at. There's many more but I don't think we have enough time.

So, I guess that's all for now folks. Review and you _might _get more of the bizarre days in Akatsuki.


End file.
